Thank you all. This has been so difficult. I am working towards getting a place for myself and the children. When we've discussed custody and the like I've made it clear the kids go with me - I won't deny him visitation (not to mention the hell it would put them through to have that battle, as well as the fact that when he actually spends time with them he plays with them and they enjoy his company.) My sister is actually very good at these things, has accomplished some amazing feats for herself and others in these situations, she's got me covered and will make sure he doesn't get custody, or spousal support, or anything else.
When I encouraged him to go out and see what was out there we were separated. He had just learned TTAT and I figured he'd need to get that all out of his system. He told me he didn't need to see what else was out there because he already knew he'd never get better than what I have to offer. At that time he told me I was his whole world, he wanted to grow and learn and love and have a positive life because he now believes this is the only life we get. It wasn't until this other girl came into the picture that any of that changed. Now he says he never felt that way and was just settling.
Last night was awful. I work a swing shift so when I get home the kids are in bed. We were talking for a bit and he decided to share with me some e-mails he sent to his guy friend. I told him if it was gushing about his little girlfriend I didn't want to read it, but he insisted. So in the first he went on and on about how he couldn't stop thinking about her, how beautiful she is and she possesses his every thought. In the second he proceeded to talk about how he had this idea of the person he was with being his partner in life and that obviously that partner wasn't meant to be me. He settled with me and felt sorry for me because I had spent 14years with a man who never really loved me. By the end of it I was livid. I tore into him, told him he was a piece of sh*t (I don't really talk that way, so he was pretty shocked). I told him if he settled with me then why did he beg me to take him back and why lie to me and trick me into this situation. I could have moved into my own place and been past all of this by now, but nooooo, I fell for his "I've changed and I am a better person with you than without you" gimmick. I'm still pretty upset about what I read. There was no call for sharing that with me. And going so far as to negate what we DID have just adds insult to injury.
I know I will get past this. And I so appreciate the support here - you all could just be telling me I'm stupid for falling for the same tricks, but you're all so supportive. It makes me feel like maybe I really will come out of this stronger and better. He will eventually flipflop again, though I hope he doesn't. His pattern is that he does, though. When he does I believe he will tell me what a mistake he's made and yadda yadda.
We each have our share in how this marriage went south, and had we not been JWs I think we would've separated sooner. This is for the best. Knowing all of that doesn't remove the pain, though. It doesn't make me feel any better about having given my heart to a man who never appreciated it. It doesn't make me feel better about trying so hard to be the wife he wanted and needed to know that no matter what, I was always going to fall short. It's such a painful process...where's the button that I can press to just put it to an end and be done? Fast forward to three months from now?
This last week he hardly worked. He works from home. So of course my entire check is going towards paying rent and the rest of the bills get to be put on hold until he earns more money. I'm very financially responsible - I like to have three months put away just in case... I've only accomplished that once in our marriage. He spends what comes in and only works to earn the bare minimum, which means if some other expense comes up (registering the car and changing my license to our current state) we begin to drown for awhile. This is what makes moving out so difficult. One paycheck isn't enough to get a place, and my entire months wages isn't enough to pay for the place we're in. (I had issues with that when we moved in, but he wanted a 3 bedroom so he could turn one room into his office.)
I mentioned he should be checked to see if he's bipolar and he basically just shot me down. His mother is and his sister is, but he says that doesn't mean that he is. The next mind I find myself with (granted, it'll be awhile, I am sure) - yeah - I'm gonna skip the guys with severe depression and bipolar tendencies. I think I'm a little worn out to have another go round with those specific mental issues.